A day without sunshine is like night.

A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.

A penny saved is a complete waste of time.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy.

All power corrupts. Absolute power is kind of neat though.

Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.

Am I ambivalent? Well, yes and no.

An optimist thinks that this is the best possible world. A pessimist fears that this is true.

Any complex system that does not work is invariably found to have evolved from a simpler system that worked just fine.

Any simple problem can be made unsolvable if enough meetings are held to discuss it.

Anything that can go wrong will.

As I said before, I never repeat myself.

A Smith & Wesson beats four aces.

Be careful what rut you choose. You may be in it the rest of your life.

Beauty is only skin deep. Ugly goes clean to the bone.

Better to understand a little than to misunderstand a lot.

Build a system that even a fool can use and only a fool will use it.

C program run. C program crash. C programmer quit.

Celibacy is not hereditary.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

Clothes make the man. Naked people have little or no influence on society.

Confession is good for the soul but bad for your career.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

Constipated people don't give a crap.

Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me, either; just #$%^ off and leave me alone!

Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Don't take life too seriously, you won't get out alive.

Eat right, exercise, die anyway.

Error, No Keyboard - Press F1 To Continue.

Ever notice how fast Windows runs? Neither did I.

Everybody should believe in something. I believe I'll have another drink.

Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

Fashion: A form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months.

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

First things first, but not necessarily in that order.

For every action there is an equal and opposite government program.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

Give me ambiguity or give me something else.

Growing old is inevitable; growing up is optional.

He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

He who laughs last thinks slowest.

Here I am! Now, what are your other two wishes?

Hospitality is making your guests feel at home, even if you wish they were.

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

I didn't climb to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

I have seen the future and it is just like the present, only longer.

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

I'd rather have a bottle in front of me then a frontal lobotomy.

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?

If a straight line fit is required, obtain only two data points.

If all is not lost, where is it?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If at first you don’t succeed, get a bigger hammer.

If at first you don't succeed, skydiving isn't for you.

If bankers can count, how come they have eight windows and only four tellers?

If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?

If blondes have more fun, do they know it?

If builders built buildings the way programmers wrote programs, then the first woodpecker that came along would have destroyed civilization.

If everything seems to be going well, you obviously don't know what the hell is going on.

If I worked as much as others, I would do as little as they.

If quitters never win, and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while you're ahead?"

If reproducibility may be a problem, conduct the test only once.

If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.

If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?

If you don't believe in oral sex, keep your mouth shut.

If you don't care where you are, then you aren't lost.

If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

If you think nobody cares you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

If you think there is good in everybody then you obviously haven't met everybody.

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

If you try to please everybody, nobody will like it.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

In any collection of data, the figure most obviously correct, beyond all need of checking, is the mistake.

In any organization there will always be one person who knows what is going on. This person must be fired.

Indecision is the key to flexibility.

Is there another word for synonym?

It is easier to change the specification to fit the program than vice versa.

It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.

It is impossible for an optimist to be pleasantly surprised.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end to end, someone would be stupid enough to try and pass them.

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.

It's not hard to meet expenses, they're everywhere.

I've seen the future. I can't afford it.

Junk is something you throw away three weeks before you need it.

Leakproof seals will. Interchangeable parts won't.

Learn from your parent's mistakes, use birth control.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot.

Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.

Money doesn't bring you happiness, but it does enable you to look for it in more places.

Murphy's Law is recursive. Washing your car to make it rain doesn't work.

My opinions are my own unless they happen to be yours too.

Necrophilia: That uncontrollable urge to crack open a cold one.

Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference

Never argue with an artist.

Never hit a man with glasses. Use your fist.

Never underestimate the power of human stupidity.

No one ever says, "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

No one is listening until you make a mistake.

Nothing is impossible for the man who doesn't have to do it himself.

Of course I don't look busy. I did it right the first time.

One way to stop a runaway horse is to bet on him.

Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.

Optimists see the glass half full. Pessimists see the glass half empty. Realists know they're going to have to wash the damn glass.

Originality is the art of concealing your source.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Shin: A device for finding furniture in the dark.

So many cats, so few recipes.

Sterility is hereditary. If your parents didn't have children, neither will you.

Suicidal Twin Kills Sister By Mistake!

Taxation with representation isn't much fun either.

That’s funny, I don't remember being absent minded.

The first myth of management is that it exists.

The light at the end of the tunnel is the headlamp of an oncoming train.

The other line always moves faster.

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

The race is not always to the swift, nor the battle to the strong, but that's the way to bet.

There is always one more bug.

There is no such thing as a free lunch.

The sex was so good even the neighbors had a cigarette.

The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up.

The sum of the intelligence on the planet is a constant, yet the population is growing.

The things that come to those that wait may be the things left by those who got there first.

The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was.

The world is full of willing people. Some willing to work and some willing to let them.

Things are more like they used to be than they are now.

This Universe never did make sense. I suspect it was built on government contract.

To err is human. To forgive is against company policy.

Too much of a good thing is wonderful.

Variables won't; constants aren't.

We are born naked, wet and hungry… then things get worse.

What if there was no such thing as a hypothetical situation?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

What makes the universe so hard to comprehend is that there's nothing to compare it with.

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

When there's a will, I want to be in it.

When you starve with a tiger, the tiger starves last.

Where you stand on an issue depends on where you sit.

You always find something in the last place you look.

You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.

You can't have everything, where would you put it?

You worry too much about your job. Stop it! You're not paid enough to worry.

Your conscience may not keep you from doing wrong, but it sure keeps you from enjoying it.

"Criminal Lawyer" is a redundancy.

"Here at First National, you're not just a number. You're two numbers, a dash, three more numbers, another dash and another number."

"Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes."